Mirror, mirror on the wall...

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

Who’s the fairest chef of us all?

-          ITC Kitchens of India

A family shuffles in to Odriew restaurant on a cool winter’s evening. They are tired from shopping and their throats ache for something hot. Could we get something hot to drink? 

The waiter promptly disappears and appears once again with four small cups of Chinese tea - on the house, he adds with a smile. The teenager refuses to drink hot flavored water and turns his face away.

The gent offers the menu card to the boy to help him ferret out a dish that he would like, but the boy continues to sulk. The waiter suggests Dal Bukhara. It is the specialty for the evening he enlightens the guests brightly.

I hate dal, says the sulking teen, his frown growing deeper.

The gent defers to the waiter’s suggestion and the waiter retreats with the order. The gent attempts to crack a joke. All at the table laugh politely at the gent’s ‘funny’ joke, while the teen sulks.

At length the food arrives and the waiter serves the food.

The man appears to be unconcerned and proceeds to eat while keeping an eye on the teen.

The teen dips his finger in the cup and then rolls his tongue on the finger. (Blink!)

And then another…(gasp!)

…and another…(Blink, blink!)

The gent is tickled pink. Somebody has succeeded in making his son eat dal! 

His utter delight and compliments to the manager and much else are recorded and uploaded on YouTube. (Wink, wink!)

Could they please pack another portion of Dal Bukhara? My son just can’t seem to have enough of it!

In reply, the manager presents the good gent a hamper of Dal Bukhara from ITC Kitchens of India’s stable of food with best compliments from the management and ITC Kitchens of India.

I think ITC Kitchens of India scored a perfect ten on this one.

What do you think?

And, Sir, How Would You Prefer To Eat?

And, Sir, How Would You Prefer To Eat?

-          ITC Kitchens of India

A cool summer day in Odriew Restaurant:

A gentleman saunters into the restaurant on a cool summer afternoon here in the city of Iannech. He has been identified for a prank by the management and ITC Kitchens Of India.

After making himself comfortable, the man beckons to the waiter to take the order. The waiter arrives and takes the order of Naan and Paneer Makhani.

 As an afterthought, the waiter courteously asks the guest what he is most uncomfortable using, the fork, spoon or the chopstick. Upon the man saying it has to be the last of the three, the waiter thanks him and departs.

Soon enough, an aromatic spread is laid on the table. But hullo… what’s this? Chopsticks? 

The much bewildered man tells the waiter there must be a mistake. He said he was uncomfortable with chopsticks to which the waiter mutters something like… did he hear right…management policy? (Huh?)

Bewilderment mounts to consternation as the gent realizes that the ‘policy’ was being ‘practiced’ only on him, and not the other guests.  And besides, he bellows, how in the world am I supposed to eat Naan with chopsticks? (Tsk, tsk!)

The gent voices his increasing unhappiness in no uncertain terms and desires to speak with the manager ASAP, all of which is recorded and uploaded on YouTube. (Dear, dear!)

Shortly thereafter, the manager arrives and placates the good gent, telling him of the joke played on him by the management and ITC Kitchens of India.

 After ensuring that the gent is suitably mollified, he is given a sumptuous spread fit for the Gods and a hamper with best compliments from ITC Kitchens of India.

Where Do I... Begin?

Where Do I… Begin?

-          ITC Kitchens of India

On a hot and sultry afternoon in Odriew restaurant:

 On a hot and sultry afternoon, a well-fed middle-aged man and his family arrive tired and hungry looking for a rush of warmth found only in a happy spread of a home-cooked fare.

He has been identified for a good natured prank by the management and ITC Kitchens of India.

The tired gent wiping his face with a very much used handkerchief motions to a waiter. The waiter arrives and takes a pretty large order considering the number of members in his family. They engage in some social banter when the food arrives pretty quickly.

The gent is about to commend the service in this quaint little shop when he looks at the tray. 

What’s this?  Ice cream? The much bewildered gent says there must be a mistake; they haven’t had lunch yet.  (Oops!)

The good waiter explains patiently that the food would arrive after they eat the dessert. (Huh?)

They are being served the dessert first? Where’s the three course meal, the man bellows! (Dear, dear!)

The unruffled waiter arrives with the food. This time it is the naan followed by Paneer Makhani.

Unable to contain himself, the man thunders: Where are the starters and my glass of beer? (Oh, dear!)

The waiter retreats once again, after explaining rather patiently as to a child that those items were supposed to come in the end. But nonetheless he goes back and shortly thereafter arrives once again, this time with the starters and the soup, together. (Tsk, tsk!)

Are you daft? The cauldron simmering with smoldering anger bursts. He wishes to see the manager ASAP, he barks!  (Oh, dear!)

 All this and much else is recorded and uploaded on YouTube. (Dear me!)

The manager arrives wringing his hands nervously and tries to placate the man. The manager gently informs him of the joke played on him by truants such as the management and the patrons, ITC Kitchens of India and would he be so kind so as to enjoy a spread fit for the Gods?

After a grand lunch, a much contented gent and his family leave the premises happily with a hamper with best compliments from ITC Kitchens of India.

Sir, Are You Being Served?

Sir, Are You Being Served?

- ITC Kitchens of India

On a chilly December afternoon somewhere near Odriew Restauant

On a chilly December afternoon, a guest saunters in, in woolen suit and muffler wrapped within the whole ensemble.

The good gent has been identified for some good-natured pranks.

He summons the waiter. Sure enough the waiter is by his side waiting to take the order.

Rubbing his hands in anticipation the guest orders for a piping hot vegetarian spread.

The food is near. Aah! He can smell it above the usual musky smell that is wont in quaint restaurants.

The waiter brings in the starter. The good guest enthusiastically attacks the food and gives himself a mouthful.  When he is almost done with the lip-smacking dish, the waiter comes in quickly and takes away the dish, saying pardon the error. You see we gave you another customer’s non-veg order by mistake. Of course, we will give you another vegetarian fare… 

(Oops…!)

For a minute there is pin-drop silence and then the gent begins to violently choke on the food. (Dear me!)

All hell breaks loose and the waiter is once again summoned, presumably to apologize.

 The good waiter tries to do the right thing and asks him gingerly whether he enjoyed his meal… (Dear, dear!)

The man threatens to leave saying either it’s him or the waiter, all of which is recorded and uploaded on YouTube. (Oh, no!)

At length, a much agitated manager enters wringing his hands nervously and apologizes profusely, explaining that it was all in jest. And that if he would be so kind so as to wait for a minute or two, a spread fit for the Gods would be arranged with best compliments from the management and ITC Kitchens of India.

A little while later, a very satisfied guest leaves the shop to tell a curious tale that ended nicely with the help of a gracious manager, management and ITC Kitchens of India.

Some like it hot...

Some Like It Hot…

-          ITC Kitchens of India

Noontime at Odriew Restaurant:

A gentleman who has just entered the restaurant is identified for a good-natured prank by the management and their patron, ITC Kitchens of India.

On being comfortably seated, the guest motions to the waiter to take his order. At length, he orders the food, adding with a wink, that he prefers it “hot”.

The waiter retreats and shortly thereafter brings the starter along with a tall glass of beer…but hullo? It’s fiery hot! (Dear me!)

The visibly annoyed gent sputters over his drink and voices his objections a trifle too late, for everything comes in… hot! (Oh, dear!)

The gent voices his displeasure in decibels a notch or two higher than the last one, threatening to have the waiter sacked and the shop shut down all in one breath, all of which is recorded and uploaded on YouTube. (Oh, dear, again!)

At length, the manager comes in to calm frayed tempers, explaining the miscommunication and promising him a delightful meal if he would only accept his sincerest apologies on behalf of the management and ITC Kitchens of India.

The guest, suitably mollified, is sent off after a happy feast fit indeed for the Gods, with best compliments from the management and ITC Kitchens of India.

What's Brewing in 10, Yzarc Street?

What’s Brewing in 10, Yzarc Street?

-          ITC Kitchens of India

In the city of Iannehc (can that even be a name?) somewhere in India

Walking down Yzarc Street (dear dear, not another!), I came across a quaint little restaurant called…(and this gets stranger) Odriew  (Make that can-that-even-be-a-name(?) to the power of two) at 10, Yzarc Street.

Curiosity got the better of me and I thought of sampling their wares.

Much of what transpired there makes for a fair amount of my following 30 odd posts.

I start tomorrow.

Be there.

You won’t want to miss it.

Until then…

Adieus.

P.S. Oh, and did I tell you? The patrons of the restaurant are ITC Kitchens of India.

Claim to Fame or Infamy - OOH

 Claim to Fame or Infamy? - OOH

In a room in Diamond Suites and Residences, in Mandaue City:

An ad caught my attention. It was an invitation to take part in a blogger’s competition, a world event at that. We had been asked to write about the FUN at blogging in the social media space or something like that.

 So I thought, well, why the heck not? 

And so here I am...

The organisers, Cebu Bloggers Society, have been identified for some good natured fun.

I introduced myself as a newbie who has dabbled in blogs of the morbid kind for just 29 instances. So I have 29 morbid instances to justify my “fun”, I concluded very sagaciously.

Their faces grew long. At length said a very disturbed Mr. Mark Monta, sincerely, “I don’t think you understand. We meant what FUN did you have writing these blogs?”

And I very patiently replied I had a lot of FUN writing these morbid posts.

They said, no , we mean, FUN, see?

I said, yes, I see. I too mean, FUN, see?

Incredulity mounted to consternation at the mismatched semantics of the word, all of which was recorded and uploaded on YouTube. (Dear me!)

At length, they called in a guard to show the lunatic out the door...

... At which time I was forced to end this little charade and reveal my identity as a blogger that wrote fun stories for the social media space, “just for fun”...

... but not before reminding them that they too had now become the target of one of my sick and pallid jokes and did that mean I stood a chance to win the TATT Awards?

As was expected, I was summarily shown the door.

 (Published long after the event. For obvious reasons I did not participate!)